Welcome Home Horror

Oh La La!!!

There are SO many things i have to write about. and on this fateful night, i can't help but think where to start. to discuss my ongoing love for this weather that has oh so mystically painted our world white, to dabble over my latest fashion obsessions, to elaborate on my love hate relationship with fbook, or even to open up pandoras box and talk about my love life...there are just TOO many options. but i feel obliged to talk about something, for my vow to update this god for saken project on a weekly basis has already failed. but im doing my best to keep my head above water. okay, ive decided to start with touching on fridays happenings. boy have i got alot to tell ya. strap yourselves in my kittens:) alez viens!

So since my last post, i have made the leap back a chez-moi aka the 610. on this journey i have rediscovered my love of home cooked meals, full sized beds, bubble baths, and hours upon hours of much needed sleep.

On friday i finished up with my last final and hurried back to the Cave to have one last gossip sesh with D before packin up Cedric the CRV and hittin the pavement home bound. around 9:05 ish i burst through 422' special needs door (it only opens when you push the handle up rather than down) and did some last minute cleaning, for i had previously went on a rampage the night before, gettin' all Annie its a hard knock life, and hands and knees'n it.. bleach by my side paper towels in hand and scrubbin' the crap out of our hideously dust infested bathrooms. by the time i was done it looked and smelled as if i was trying to conceal a murder scene hahaha. With the cleaning taken care of, i finished packing up my 2 under the bed storage containers, my cheer bag, laundry basket, mini duffle, bookbag, and two reusable shopping bags for Wintah Vay K. i rolled up my deliciously chic charcoal gray shag rug, stripped my bed, put the garbage bins, toilet brushes and other bathroom belongings safely under the sinks to prevent dust bunnies and then got to work on unplugging all my electronics and closing up the windows :) by the time i finished i had just minutes to spare before my maman phoned me notifying me of me of her arrival. essentially, my departure from home sweet White Hall went off without a hitch. HUZZAH.

With Cedric packed up, my mommy L and i made our way down 76 KOP bound to do some holiday shopping :) nothing beats a good dose of Nordstrom Rack and KOP mall. it was long overdue. by the time we got home it was 3. giving me one hour to suit up for two hours of babysitting my two boys i sat for in high school T and C. so cute. but only when on best behavior.

Throwing off my opaque black tights, aztec inspired whimsical swing jumper, black T, and my terracatta colored mid calf boots, i pulled on my trusty Temple cheer T, black spandex and uggies - the ensemble of the all mighty babysitter...comfortable as hell, athletic-chic, and ultimately practical for any activity that the kids hit ya with. ...or so i thought.

It's 3:47, i pull up at the kids mcMansion...the benefits of living in upper class suburbia haha if they only knew i was a giant poser and lovin' it. okay so i get there. i pull up in my dads sexy black nissan altima. god i love his whip. hahaha its so nice. so i pull up. the house looks deserted. i enter through the standard service entrance aka the garage, which they so delightfully left open for me. im thinkin' the next two hours will proceed as any other of our previous babysitting sessions. i peek my head in, coast clear. i give a little " hellloooo?"

no response.

i feel like im the freaking star of a horror movie, just waiting for the attacker(s) to approach me at any given second.

oh what an appropriate metaphor it was. i slip off my pathetically exhausted looking black uggies.. and pass through the threshold into their decadent granite-mahogany- stainless steel appliance drenched kitchen..the work of a stiff charging interior designer i assume. needless to say its my heaven. it just screams BAKE IN ME. seriously...the oven is the work of a master. beautiful. its a two-oven number with all the bells and whistles. the boys and i once ventured to concoct brownies. using that thing was like getting a taste of heaven. from a baking fanatic like me, it was definitely highlight. ...im getting off track haha. so i enter the kitchen. total and complete silence. and then BAM.

It's as if they flicked on the switch to an alternate reality. music. screams. loud thumping romping running. more screams. laughter. high high pitched laughter.

(sidenote...i love children. used to hate them. but in recent years feel in love with the pudgy cheeks, pink fresh faces, stubby hands and feet, waddling, and contagious laughter.)

Then again, the child i just described is rare as hell. especially in this situation. the description i just provided does not apply. boy does it not. So im standing in bakers heaven. cemented in place. i count to 5. blink my eyes. silence.

questions flood my head. did i conjure up this sudden mystery fiasco that frighteningly brought back scary memories from the asshole kids in kindergarden that went around cracked out on paste pulling my hair and tripping over my adorable tight-clad legs adorned in patten leather mary janes?

no. sadly.hell to the freaking no. just no.

Directly following my frantic attempt at convincing myself it was all a figment of my imagination, the little terrors themselves tear into epicurean paradise, sliding along the glossy mahogany floors as if it were home base, 9th inning, tie game, bases loaded. ha ha. laugh it up. sounds like a good 'ol time. NOTT. rolling over, belly up, T and C greet me with chocolate clad smiles, paint stained pjs, and just a whole hott f*n messy vibe. Welcome backkk D i say to myself.

I take a breathe. a big one. as if my freaking life depended on it. their moms no where in sight. i assume shes upstairs putting the finishing touches on there outfit, preparing for another one of her dinners with the girls or date nights with the hubby. i jet over to the stainless steel sink, wet a washcloth and clobber their willy wonka ad inspired mouths, which are goin a mile a minute, filling me in on what i've missed blah blah blah. i l block it out. with operation clean face completed i move onto baby whipping their hands, a godsend to messy children. fidgeting like drug addicts going through withdrawal i release them to terrorize the rest of their impeccably furnished, put together house. i swear to god the first time i saw it i slobbered hahah so beautiful. but empty and totally impersonal. not my taste, but delicious all the same.

Enough about the freaking decorations. the kids are going wild. i swear to you, if i had ambien or adderall on hand i would have shoveled it in their pint sized mouths. harsh but i think totally necessary. they're not diagnosed with a.d.h.d but i question their docs...every single time i go to "play" as their mom K calls it.

i put on G-Force. the gunniea pig super agent flick courtesy of the super market's Red Box rental system. i set them up with the works. big bowl of popcorn. sippy cups full of juice, a small baggie of m&ms, fruit snacks, and teddy grams. aka all the snacks in the pantry that i like. i set them up on their oversized L sofa, power up the ginormous plasma LCD theyve got mounted to the wall, and get the movie rolling. T's got his blanky and C's got his doggy.

Naturally, they settle down just in time for their mommy K to gracefully glide down their one of 3 staircases, donned in a rendition of some Real Housewives ensemble. sporting a carmel cashmere sweater, snuggly hugging her curves, a deep raspberry/plum high waisted skirt hitting just below the knee, and killer nude platform YSL inspired pumps, shes dressed to kill. she greets me with a sincere but brief hug, looks approvingly at her angles so well behaved munching on the couch, and turns back to fire some hard hitting questions about my first semester at school. the classes, the professors, the cheerleading, the campus life, the food, the friends, the roomies, the parties, the parties, the parties.

it's as if she were interrogating me. like any other college kid returning from break though, i had the answers pre written in my head, for these questions were like rambling off a long list of memorized vocab words in 7th grade french class. they've been asked before. time and time again. she nods approvingly, and then moves on to the evenings run down.

im excited. im thinking the boys arent going to be all that bad. the fires going. it smells great, and i spied a cake mix in the pantry that was calling me to make. im in the middle of my fantasy babysitting sesh when she interrupts my thoughts telling me her gal pals are actually coming over.

What.the.EFF.

Not okay. i thought like the 19 year old collegiate babysitter i am, i would be capable of watching them without supervision, but apparently i was her little minion to watch over her kids, AND her 5 friends spawns of satan. i was a goddamn mommy's f*n helper.

that being said i do my best to muster an understanding, calm collected aura that nods and spits out things like "totally!...not a problem at all!...i can handle anything" i deserved a freaking oscar for that performance. She rambles on and then leaves me to greet her pals who arrive one after the other, pouring in through the high arched doorway, death creatures or children, whichever, in tow.

in to greet T and C come, E, A,C2,L, and J. its like kids corner on the couch by the time they all clammer aboard and fight for some snacks. i get them settled take a seat, and helping them get blankets and restarting the movie. its only then K comes in from the kitchen to tell me she'd prefer the kids have some fun downstairs. aka get the f* out of the den and into the basement where they arent to be disturbed when they talk about their sex lives, their xmas vacation plans down south, their sexy trainers, or all that other fun stuff id much rather listen to.

Of course not. i don't even get the leisure of eaves dropping. the metaphorical gun was in my mouth at that point. so i shuffle the kids downstairs. clear the popcorn from their laps and the couch, click off the tv, shut down the surround sound, extract the DVD, turn off the dvd player, fold the blankets, and get their cat R off the pillows because he was clawing it. UGH.

So we're downstairs. its seriously Arctic. im anticipating a goddamn penguin to waddle out of the stationary unyielding heater in the corner. so first things first i go over and fire it up. the kids have ditched the movie idea and gone over to the thousands of toys strewn all over. E starts dress up, A is playing with the play house kitchen, C2 is eating some sort of wand thing, L is shooting baskets in the arcade inspired basketball game set up in the corner, T is playing with his batman figurines and C is curled up with his doggy on the couch. i collapse in from of the heater thats starting to cough out some warmth, but with good reluctance. it seems they haven't used it since they moved in.

I literally fall asleep. i am the worst babysitter ever haha. but between taking my exam at 8am, racing home to clean and pack, driving for an hour, shopping for 4 hours, coming home, unloading the car, changing, and then going over to babysit, i was dead beat. C2 starts crying. the youngest of the bunch, he just started walking, and his sensory motor skills are just now beginning to fully function. his paci is no where in sight, and hes upset. i find him on the landing in the stairs to the upstairs. i let him climb up to find his mom. poor chap. better with her than me i think. with C2 gone, i go back downstairs to play with the kids, we stay down there for an hour or so. i want to die haha. then T suggests we go upstairs to the front room to dance. i figure his idea is as good as any, and it will tire them out. so we venture upstairs to find the empty front room with a keyboard in the corner. apparently this is their dance studio haha. T goes over and puts on some crazy beat that sends the kids off on awkward hip swinging tangets. E is going hip hop crazy, she tells me she takes a class and they just finished their routine. she even busts out the coffee grinder. get it girlllll. C sits next to me with his finger in his mouth and doggy under his arm, knew i liked him, T is spinning in circles, arms wide, L is attempting forward rolls but failing to tuck his head so hes falling smack down on this back, and A is swaying like some hippy on drugs at woodstock. C and i sit against the wall in awe watching the madness. by then its 5.40. its only been an hour and 40. 20 more minutes. ughhhh. i guess the loud thumping, techno beats and laughs radiating from the "dance" room interrupted girls night, so K enters slightly annoyed but happy to see her kids having fun. she shakes my hand, slipping me my compensation and says she'd love to see me again while im home, tells me she'd message me the dates and we'll collaborate when ill see her next.

2 hours of hell completed. but only 30 bucks made. it amazes me that those well off w*nches found it completely fine not to pay me while i watched not just K's kids but their own. stingy ass classless beauties. stylish and strikingly pretty yes, nice no. that just irked me. but at that point i was happy to get the hell out. i was officially home for break and i needed some popcorn of my own :) so i hugged the clan of my new pint sized ankle biting pals and made a quiet exit out the back, only to race to my bat mobile and go homeeeeee.

Lets just hope i wont have to relive that over the next month. i dont think my sanity could take it!!!!!