Coming from a girl stuck in a state of what seems like eternal single-dom, I myself am fixated on making myself happy and having fun, and – in the midst of my fun – wouldn’t mind finding Prince Charming. You know, funny, passionate, driven, cute. The traditional wish list could go a mile long. I think i've waited long enough. I've watched almost every single one of my friends get picked up by a countless number of attractive men. everyone but me. It is now only 3 months short of my 20th birthday, and ive never been in a legitimate relationship....like what is that. Although i don't usually let on that this part about myself bothers me, im doing it now haha my apologies in advance. My first year in college is now coming to a close, and as of recently i thought maybe i found someone who maybe possibly could have been different from the rest. Good on paper never looked so good, let me tell you. but then again good on paper almost never makes a good reality and we all know it. fml. Lately, I have been noticing a recurring trend in the battlefield of love (aka campus/nightlife) and it has been happening to me a lot lately (insert sad face).
collectively my experiences when i go out goes a little like this: guy approaches me at a party, we make small talk, I calculate he is not my type. The next thing I know, he is trailing behind me the minute i try to make a quick get away. Around the party he follows, as if his goal in life is to creep my spandex off, or fall madly in love with me, its hard to decipher when theres alcohol involved. but ones things for sure..the wrong ones pick me. always.
And that’s the end of my short story… and my interactions with the opposite sex.
When I am eventually about to shake off the creeper and head home to bed(alone) while my girlfriends are off with their so-perfect-it-hurts boy toys or hott dancefloor make-out , I am left wondering:
Why? Why not me.
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I can’t count how many times I have (mistakenly) given out my number to someone who quickly turned out to be oh-so-wrong. Picture texts of men posing with their shirts off, suggestive texts begging me to send them pictures of myself, guys with girlfriends – I’ve seen it all. And if it’s not a creep, it’s a nice guy. A too-nice guy who may be perfect for someone else, but not so right for me.
It is frustrating and leaves me wondering what I’m doing to attract the wrong dudes. Do I have a post-it on my head that says “I want to see your lack of arm muscles in a Picture Text message later?” God, I would like to think not.
Some people tell me that I’ll find my guy when I’m not looking. Others tell me I have to put myself out there. But no matter what I do, I still end up running away from some weirdo and coming home to an empty bed, or worse staring at my blank phone waiting for text that i know most likely wont come.
like WTF cupid. wheres my mr. right?
Thats why i thought that Good on Paper might be different. We would bump into each other on campus out of pure coincidence of similar schedules. it was harmless and i usually pretended not to see him. but it was almost impossible to try not to. eventually i gave him my number and from that point on we talked pretty much everyday for the past month. Good conversation. not just the usual texting la di dah bullshit. but actual conversation. We had so much in common it kind of freaked me out. But nobody's perfect...lets be serious. he would take forever to respond. Never actually asked me to hang out. It got to the point where i thought i was being used just out of his pure boredom. a filler of some void in his life. but then last week it happened. he Finallllyyyy asked me to come over. i was SO excited. I think i spent 2 hours getting ready, but not ready enough make it look like i was trying too hard. i bought his favorite ice cream. god like seriously i am such an idiot.
Rookie mistake - got my hopes up... to the highest possible degree.
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As a girl who has never fully immersed myself in the dating game..i had no idea what i was doing, but i just felt like this was more than just a movie. it was possibility. there so much opportunity.
So the time rolls around where i haven't heard from him, so i shoot him a text. and dun dun dun. he makes up a bogus excuse about his roommate getting sick. and asks to reschedule.
not even 10 minutes later i get a message from his roommate - "for the record there was no food poisoning of any kind."
...Might possibly have been the biggest let down/most terrible feeling of my romantic life. I mean at least his roommate freaking looked out for me. i literally felt my heart sink. he lied. gave me zero heads up. i told people about it. so not only did i get stood up..but i had to deal with the "how'd it go?!?!" s the next day. kill me now. KILL ME NOW.
i guess there's a first for everything. and this just happened to be my first crush making me feel totally and absolutely inferior and embarrassed. am i not pretty enough..smart enough?..All of the insecurities washed in. i let my mind and my heart take over before anything substantial even happened. essentially i internally was a 7th grader for the entire month haha. and now a couple days later of this happening, i realized my mistakes. but it still doesn't take away from the fact that i'm sitting here feeling like shit over my no-no's..when he was the one that messed up and is most likely out partying on his night off. The worst of it is, i still like him. And if he proved to me that it was really just a misunderstanding, and manned up and asked me out again, i would most likely accept.
So as i sit here on my bathroom floor, when i should be writing my 7 page english paper, i cant help but think of what that night would have been like. is it such a crime that i wanted it to work out? or is that to much of a sappy girl thing. i guess thats a judgement only yourself can make. But in the end, i might want to forgive him, but i won't chase him. I've always been proud of my self confidence. My sense of self and independence. Im not looking for my other half. It makes it sound like im not whole already. By myself, i know im great. But with someone else, whoever he is, i know i could be fantasticc. ...Until then, i refuse to compromise my heart. my lust for romance. to be loved whole heartedly. And i will not let a boy lie to me. You can be as handsome as mark wahlberg in his tighty whities, but if i cant trust you, you're out of luck.
So yea. The wrong ones chose me now, sure. and ill most likely face this problem for some time down the road. But deep down, i know the right one will snatch my heart up. because i deserve it. and so will he. So saddle up white knights, because im yours for the taking, you've just gotta be willing to step up to the plate and make sure you hit it out of the park ;)
